The difference between keeping secrets and keeping safe
by Caskett Milla
Summary: She has a big secret. None of her colleagues knows that she is more than she seems to be. What happens when her big secret comes out ? Pre-season one
1. Chapter 1

**The difference between keeping secrets and keeping safe**

" Bye ,Babe. See you!"

She gave him a quick kiss on his cheeks and hurried out of the door.

Kate was late. Again.

Her mornings were a little busy since their daughter decided she was old enough for anything and used every second to argue with her parents.

Alexis left 10 minutes before. Angry and upset.

As fast as she could she drove to the precinct.  
"Sorry,boys."  
She excused herself and sat at her desk.  
"So, what do we have? Anything new?"  
Esposito frowned. His boss never was too late before but the last weeks she was late every day. Always 5 minutes too late instead of 20 minutes too earl. This was so not her.

"We could trace the money. It came from a small claims lawyer. He seems to have some dirty past.

Never passed his exams and never made a lawyer. Maybe our vic knew and blackmailed him."

"Okay,I want to speak to him. Bring him in"  
"On our way."

She needed a few seconds. Noone here knew why she wasn´t on top of her game.

Her family was her secret.

If anybody gets wind of it and would tip the press of she never would be able to do her job like she used to.

Esposito,Ryan and Lanie and all the others may be important in her life and be like family but she couldn´t risk it.  
It was not that she couldn´t rely on them but when she started at homicide she vowed to herself to cut her personal life out of her profession.  
This included the murder of her mother,her family,her alcoholic dad and everything of her past.  
So she had two lifes.

Kate Castles was the mother and the wife of Richard Castle but the homicide detective who looks for justices until she found it was Kate Beckett.

"Boss!"  
She saw that Ryan and Espo arrived with her suspect. One last deep breath and she slipped into the role of Kate Beckett the hard boiled detective.

"Mr. Carlson. You already been read your rights? But as a lawyer you already knew them ,I guess."

The chubby man just nods. Kate could see that this was going to be easy. Mr. Carlson was a unstable person. After 10 minutes she got her confession and could close the case.

The victim got knowledge about the dark side of his lawyer and blackmailed him. Instead of paying Mr. Carlson killed him.

The rest of the day was just paperwork.

Around lunch time the detective got a call. When she saw who called she hurried out of the bullpen into a more private room. Fortunately the break room was empty.

"Alexis? How often had I told you not to call me at work?"

"Sorry Mom. I ….I just hate when we are fighting."

"I know me,too. But this not why you are calling isn´t it?"

"Can´t I call my beloved mom to just say sorry?"

"Alexis. You could have told me later. So what is going on ?"

"Can I sleep at Marcs place today."

"What?!"

Kate spilled her coffee.

"No! There is no way you sleeping at a boys place!"

"But Mom!"

"No,no way!"

Deeply she knew how her daughter must feel. She was the same once.

 _Oh lord, hopefully she won´t have such a wild-child phase like me._

"Can I,at least,go to his party ?"

That was too much for her

"Alexis Johanna Castle. We not even have to discuss this! You are 15 and there is no why I let my daughter to a party of a senior. And don´t you dare to go there. Plus never ever call me again at work without a emergency. Got it?! We see us tonight."

She hung up.

Still in a rage she made a new coffee and went back to her desk.

The end of her shift came slowly. She hated to do paperwork but it was part of her job.

At seven she said goodbye to her co-workers and left for the night.

Now she changed into the role of Kate Castle.

This was very important to her. When she put her gun and her badge into the safe ,stripped off her work closes and changed into some confy clothes, she was the mother she needed to be for Alexis.

If her daughter had asked her about the party later at home she may had said yes. Kate knew how she was as a child and she knew that it was better to allow her to go there but give strict rules. Otherwise she maybe sneaks out. That way Kate and Rick would lost the control.

She had to correct it.

"Alexis?" She knocked at her daughters door.

"Yeah!" the child sounded upset.

Carefully the brunette woman opens the door.

Nothing left of this badass detective. She carefully approached her daughter.

"Look Sweetie. You know why I don´t want you to call me at work?"

"Yes,you are hiding us from your friends. Whyever."

"You know damn well why. I want you to be save. This is one reason why I said no earlier. Anyway. The real reason why I don´t want you to call me at work is that I am not the mom you know there. It´s part of my job to be strict and mean. And I can´t think with my heart ,only with the head of a detective. So your father and I agreed on letting you go . But we bring you to him and pick you up at midnight and no alcohol."

The girls eyes light up.

"Really Mommy?"

Alexis jumped up and started looking for clothes in a hurry.

"You are the best Mom in the world." She hugged her enthusiastically.

Kate laughed.

"I would take that red dress. It fits with you hairs so well."

Alexis tried it.

"Thaks. It´s perfect."

With a smirk on her face Kate left the room.

"Alright Babe. Poured oil on troubled water. We bring and pick her up there. So what do we do tonight we have time to ourselfs until midnight."

"We could watch a movie or what do you think about a bath. "

He has a smirk on his face and as she reciprocated it he pressed a soft kiss on her hair.

She always wondered why he could have such an effect on her after almost 15 year marriage.

Their moment got interrupted by their daughter.

"I´m ready!"

"Alright. I drive you."


	2. Chapter 2

**hapter 2: Chapter 2**

* * *

 **First of all thanks for the reviews.**

 **Someone mentioned I should give this to a English speaking friend first. But if I would have a such a fried I wouldn´t have to write this to improve myself. So anybody here who would consent to help me. It would be so amazing.**

 **I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think**.

When she came home again she found her husband between some photo albums.

"You remember our wedding? Do you ever ask yourself what would have happened if you didn´t got pregnant? I mean we were young and had so many options. We married and got our wonderful daughter when we were around 20 and it is more I ever could would we still be together . Would you still just be a homicide instead of catain?"

She already got used to this side of him. Sometimes he wondered how they got so luck and what would be otherwise. Must be some writer syndrome.

With the time she learned how to handle something like this.

Kate hugged him from behind and whispered in his ear :"You know, there are somethings from my past I would love to change. But never I would change this. Look at us. Our daughter is amazing and we love us like the first day. It´s almost cheesy but it´s us. I love you ."

The she kissed him.

They sat there for a trough the albums and wallowed in memories.

"Remember? It was the first day we took Alexis to the park. She was so amazed. Her eyes and her laugh. God,she is perfect."

"Oh yes. I do remember but only because she decided to take a bath in that fountain."

He laughed about this memory.

"You were so worried when you recognized she was away. You should have seen your face when you saw Alexis giggling in this fountain."

"Come on, don´t pretend that you weren´t at least a little in a worry when she was nowhere to find. I mean when it comes to picture some big disaster cops and writers are the worst."

"True. However we try to be not too overprotective."

"Speaking of this. Why did you say no about this evening. I thought we agreed on give her room to find herself but also with boundaries."

"Well about this. We also told her a dozen times she only should call me at work in case of an emergency. I was at work and I couldn´t think clearly. Especially after the case Karpowski just had."

"Want to share?"

"No, not really. It is just that there were three girls who didn´t wanted to do what their so called _boyfriends_ wanted. They got killed in the end. Those girls were just two years older than Alexis."

"Oh." ,was the only thing he could say and pulled her back in his strong arms.

"You know, sometimes it is too hard to switch and I am so afraid that someday Alexis is effected by my work. When she called today I was so afraid that anybody could hear it. I do not want anything to happen to her. During the years I made quite some big and dangerous enemies."

He sighed . "Kate,you do an amazing job."

"Alexis told me that she dosn´t understand the hiding. Is it wrong to keep you my secret? Is it wrong not to tell my friend? We live in this bubble since years."

"You do what you think is right. Of course Alexis wonders why she can´t meet your friends. It is about the difference between keeping us a secret and keeping us safe. She will understand one day."

"Hope so."

It was calm between them for a while. Both of them enjoying each others company and relaxing from the day.

"Darling! Anybody here ?" a sharp voice broke the silence in the loft.

"We are here Mom."

It was typically his mother. She had a thing for disturbing intimate moments and walk in on bad times.

"Hi kiddos. How are you doing?"

"We are fine" he answered his mother.

"Great. Where is my baby girl?"

"On tour" Kates tried to sound as normal as she could.

She knew Martha Rogders could respond to this in two ways and neither she needed now.

Sometimes it seemed as the older women forgot about her granddaughters age and started talking about her and boys and hangovers.

Despite of this she sometimes saw her still as her little girl who used to play with Barbies.

Kate sometimes wondered who did a tougher deal out off letting her go.

"Oh look. You two do a trip back into your past."

The actress picked up one of the albums and waved it trough the air. When she saw which album she just picked she started to talk.

"You two always were meant to be together. It was fate. I still remember this special expression you had when you came together with Kathrine trough my door.

And even you only were 18 when you started dating everybody knew it will last forever.

Than there was this dreadful event and you two grew even closer. But than you got pregnant and for a short time it would destroy your love ,you two but everything back together and look at you know . You are a walking fairytale,an amazing love story. No matter what everybody thought when you got married and parents with 20 years. Kathrine did a career as a cop and you ,my son,became a famous author."

"Mom,you know when you tell it like this it sounds we only exist in some old fairytale you are right our family is special." suddenly his serious voice became softer and half amused.

"But what you expected,my mom is a crazy actress."

"Watch out ,son" she warned in a playful tone.

It was totally them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

* * *

Again thanks for your reviews.

I promise this to be the last chapter without a Beta-Reader...at least I hope so.

Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think.

Kate and Rick were used to arguing with their daughter about sleepovers,parties or a scooter. As much as they hated it they wished it would come back again. Alexis still argues with her parents especially with Kate.

"Mom,you always taught me not to lye,particularly when they are your friends or family. But what are you doing?! You hide your family from your friends!",she yelled at her mother.

"I..."

"No! Not again. There is not reason to hide me,us! You don´t hide us to keep us safe. You do it because your ashamed of us or whatever. The only thing you do is keeping secrets."

With that she stormed off.

Scenes similar to this repeated the last days. There was no argue about whether it´s okay to sleep at a boys house or to drink alcohol underage or getting a tattoo. No,the only thing they fight about was the fact that Kate keeps her family a secret. She wondered why her daughter wanted to meet her colleagues so urgently. The past few days she found herself doubting more often about her decisions.

 _She does this for Rick and Alexis,doesn´t she ?!_

It was late in the night when she laid besides her husband ,listening to his steady breath.

"Rick?",she asked quietly.

Her voice was soft and full of love but also filled by fear and concern.

"Rick?",she asked again.

No clue why she tried to tear him from sleep, Kate tried it again and again. She couldn´t stop the urge she felt deep inside of her chest. All she could do was to act by instinct.

Finally the writer shifted a little and hummed a "Hm".

"Am I a bad mom? Do I do the right thing? Is this, keeping you a secret, just for my benefit?"

The man never had heard this tone in her voice before. It was an emotion he dind´t knew his bad-ass and determined wife was able to feel.

Fear.

The fear to fail.

Doubt.

Insecurity.

Suddenly he has wide awake

"No. No you are not. She has to understand. Kate you are perfect. But I have to admit I can´t see a point why it would bring her into danger to get to know your friends. Babe,I love you and the fact that you are out there is frighting. You put your life into mortal danger and none can´guarantee you will be there safe and sound to eat with us in the evening. The only thing we can do is to hope and trust blindly in people we never met before. Kate,I made my peace with it. It was difficult but I did and so will Alexis. Give her time."

"I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I..."

"Don´t be. It is you. Go back to sleep. You have work tomorrow. And me too."

Rick went back to sleep but she couldn´t. Too many wondering.

When the clock went off the next morning she was tired as hell. But it wouldn´t help she has to go to work.

After her usual morning routine she headed off to the morgue. Lanie would have the report by now and Kate really needed a new lead on this case.

It was a banker,who got straggled to death. But unless he worked on a not so accepted profession he had a lot of friends and no one could think of any enemy. Even when they dig deeper in the victims private life they found nothing.

"Hey Lane,please tell me you found something",she almost begged.

"Yeah, a great bar where we meet for girls night today."

"I...-"

"No! There is no option for you. I don´t want you to be a life-long single."

Kate exhaled loudly. For a second she thought about to tel her the truth but she stick with her normal excuse.

"Sorry Lanie. I have to work. Really. I promise we can go on a girls night some other time,but at the moment I have a murderer to catch."

"You don´t."

"What?"

"You don´t because I know who did it."

"Then spill it."

"Your murderer is dead. He killed our vic and committed suicide afterwards. His fingerprints where all over Mr. Conrads body and his DNA was under his fingernails. Now you only have to close the case. See you at eight then,girlfriend."

"Thanks. But Lanie listen, I can´t go out with you today. I am at my dad´s. Sorry."

"Kathrine Beckett, do not even try this. And you know I don´t have to go to a bar with you to find a boyfriend for you."

"Lanie, you do realize that I don´t have time to date" ,Kate tried.

"This or you secretly dating a ugly man,you don´t want to be seen with."

 _Almost. If you would know..._

Later this day Kate sat at her desk and did her paperwork when a new case came in.

Every new case she promised herself not to let down another ones justice,not to leave another family in uncertainty. She would dig as deep as she needed to ,to gave a voice to a person ,who´s voice was robbed.

She took a last deep breath and concentrated only on the body in front of her.

"Marvin Fisk,small claims lawyer. He has a brother,his parents passed away years ago,he never married. No kids. His charwoman found him." ,Esposito informed her.

"Okay, when we are ready here. Go to see his brother."

"Sure thing,Beckett."

"Lanie,what do you know already?"

"Time of death is between 9:30 and 11:00 am. Shoot to death with a 9 millimetre,I guess."

Even they didn´t really get started yet she knew it would be one of those cases with a big twist and she would get despairing on.

The whole scene was almost artistically made up. He was bedded on soil and covered by colourful leafs.

She somehow felt like she had seen this before.

By late afternoon they ran out of leads and Montgomery send them home. She was thankful of being able to go home to her family without to discuss her evening plans with Lane again.

At the moment the only thing she wanted to do was to get home snuggle up his her husband and her daughter and not to think about work for a few hours.

They were the real reason why she dosn´t like to go out much. In the evenings she wanted to be the mother she needed to be. The wife and the mother she was supposed to be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Chapter 4**

* * *

It was around ten o´clock in the evening when she realized that she had to do something.

At the moment she was too restless to sleep or watch TV and her head was too tiered to thinl about her case. Instead she couldn´t stop wondering what to do.

Kate suddenly felt the urge to go for a run.

This part of the Central Park was almost deserted by this hour. There were a few homeless resting on a bench and a few teenagers doing whatever.

Anger became a part of her.

Anger about herself.

Anger about things she even couldn´t name.

She ran as fast as she could. Trying to ran off all this unpleasant feelings .

Why the hell does she feel like this? She handled it like this for years now.

The detective wasn´t able to tell what bothers her more. The fact that she lied to her friends or that her daughter might be right.

But then again she knew why she wanted her family to be a secret.

The sun was rising when her clock started off. Today was her first day of the police internship at the station.

It was part of her trainings. Every police academy student had to do some experience during their schooling.

Kate felt so excited and couldn´t wait to start.

If only she had known what a hell of a day this was going to be.

After lunch they head out to get a suspect,nothing unusual so far.

But as soon as they arrived they recognized this was everything but normal.

Their suspect was awaiting them ,pointing a weapon at them and extorting them. He had her "partners" family abducted. and required a legal and clean passport plus a flight to Cuba.

That day she swore to herself to keep her family safe. If no one knows a thing about her husband ,child or even her father ,no psychopath would be able to trace them.

Then again she felt stupid. Rick and Alexis were perfectly safe if she tells people about them whom she trusted. Wouldn´t it be some kind of double-safe.

"Beckett,we have another one."

"Okay,let´s go."

They arrived almost at the same time. She was focused ,like every time, she was about to enter a crime scene. This one was as creepy as the previous and unmistakeable linked to the "Fisk" case. The woman lied nude on her dining room table but was covered head-to-toe with rose petals. On her eyes were sunflowers. Kate took a closer look.

"Who are you?"

Her voice was deep and calm.

"Alison Tisdale. 24. Grand student at NYU,part of the Social work program."

"She was a Social Worker and cold effort a place like this?"

"Her daddy is Harrison Tisdale." Esposito explained.

"She knew her killer. There are no sign of struggle."

In this moment Lanie came through the door.

"He even brought her flowers Who says romance is dead?"

"I do. Every Saturday night,when-" she stopped.

Kate almost had slipped out her most guarded secret.

Although the romance in Rick and her live was not dead,their daughter kept them busy lately and there was not so much time left for romance anymore.

But for not all of the money in this world she would change it.

"A lip stick would not hurt." Lanie stopped her train of thoughts.

With another look at the body she suddenly knew where she saw it before.

Rick´s books. This was `Flowers for your grave´ and the other was...

Oh lord,this case was going to involve her husband.

They had to bring him in.

Hopefully he was not in any danger.

Kate started talking ,her voice seemed to not to belong to her,she felt fear.

Now her worst nightmare was about to going to happen. A crime involves her family

After she explained the connection between her husband´s books and the case,the detective told her team members she would bring him in.

* * *

She sights loudly and then entered the building of Rick´s bookparty.

Her daughter sat at the bar and Rick was with her. Obviously they were talking.

"It´s just I am tired of hiding. I am tired of all those women wanting me and I-You know.

It is so boring. Always the same phrases. ´I love your books`, ´You are so very handsome`.

It sucks I wish your mother would-" he could not end his sentence.

They did not see her coming.

"Kate! You made it!" He was so excited like a child on Christmas eve.

"Sorry Babe. I am here for work We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place tonight. Where is Martha?"

"Do not know. Do I have to come with you. Can I say that you are my wife. I didn´t do anything. Why am I a suspect?"

"Stop. Stop .Stop. Slow down. Some psychopath copied your books."

She explained let her eyes roam the room for her mother -in-law. The actress was not anywhere to found. Out of all sudden she realized that she was wrong all the time. There was no jeopardy for her family when her colleagues knew.

"Okay,you two come with m. I guess I have a lot to explain."

Alexis and Rick´s jaw drop open.

"Are you two coming ,otherwise my partners might send a SWAT Team to let me save."


	5. Chapter 5

I am soo sorry that it took me so long. First I wanted to wait until I found a Beta-Reader ( still don´t have one) and after this I was busy.

Oh and thanks I got my self-confidence back. My teacher had to give me three marks better than he wanted in the beginning.

Now,here you go. Please tell me what you think (shell I continue writing) ? If anybody of you would like to beta-read my chapter just send me a PM. I don´t get any response on my requests :/

Her blood rushed trough her veins. This was the most terrifying situation in her life. Her daughter and husband were following her trough the cold corridors of the morgue. She could imagine a brighter and better place to drop one´s bombshell. But this was the only option where she could include Lanie to this and to attract less attention.

"We have to go this way",she lead her family to to break room.

"Take a seat. I go get Lanie and wait for the boys."

She tried to hit her nervousness as much as she could. But still,her voice sounded different.

Her husband scrutinized her and grabbed her arm when she turned to go.

"You don´t have to do this. You always could tell them you are my best friend from high school and since my wife left me you help us out."

Kate exhaled:" No,I am done lying to my friends about the most important things in my I am done denying that I love you. I am back soon."

She left her stunned husband and daughter to go and get her friends.

"So Beckett,what is up? "

"Yeah man,why had we to come over"

Her colleagues couldn´t find an explanation.

"Wait here. I am back in a sec."

When she returned with Lanie her heart stared to race. There was no way back.

She tried to concentrate,not on her sweating hands but on the words she intended to say.

"You guys,you know I trust you,right?"

The boys and Lanie felt like there was standing a totally different person than their friend.

Kates voice sounded so soft ,so insecure,so vulnerable.

They nodded and told her that the knew this.

"Great. I have to tell you something more. I kept a little secret..."

"What is it?",Espositos words were disturbed by Ryans.

"Beckett?",he asked

"Kate?!"

That was it. Lanies famous glare which let her talk like a will-less doll.

"I think,I better show you."

She turned around and started heading to the break room.

When she opened the door she could see the astonishment in her family's eyes.

"You know Richard Castle and never thought a second about introduce him to me Shame on you"

Alexis started laughing.

That was so not the reaction Kate expected.

"Mom,is she always like this. Don´t she have a family?"

Now her friends shot her a disbelieving look.

"Mom?!",Esposito finally spoke out what the other to were thinking.

Rick took this with humor.

"Well,nice to meet you finally. I am Rick. Kates husband. Her little secret and this is our daughter Alexis. Her smaller secret. " He couldn´t resist.

They always teased each other a lot.

"Okay Beckett. I think you have a lot to explain.", Lanie demanded.

Kate sat down on the table. Took her husbands hand with the left and laid her right arm around her daughters shoulder.

"Rick and I met in high school. It was the last year. He always pulled my pick tales and I...well he was the most popular boy at school and I liked him. All my friends had a crush on him. All,but me.

To be exact,I hated him. He tried again and again. I still believe his ego got somehow offended.

Well, after some tine I gave in and met with him to _study._ He made made a date night out of our study night. I recognized that he wasn´t that bad. Since this day we were a couple. And what should I say I love him. If anything ever happens to him I would dye too. Now,if you tell anybody I said that I will kill you, understood?" Her friends just nodded. They were too amazed about this totally different side of their friend. Kate was no longer only the kicking asses ,tough Detective. She also was a love drunken caring wife.

"Well, we went through everything together. My moms murderer,my dads addicts. Married early ,to be honest really early. I was only 18 but I am so glad my mom was with us on this day. I think we had the right sense. Anyway, to be honest with you we only married because I got pregnant.

This is what they know and what you need to know about them. But please. Let me explain ,why I thought it was safer to keep them from you,from my job." Suddenly Rick and Alexis started to listen attentively ,too.

"It was in my first week as a police officer. We all got called in. Some drug ring held hostages. What I didn´t knew before I arrived that the hostages were the family of the leading investigator.

This night was the first time I saw someone got shoot . We could not safe them. This was the moment I decided to keep them,you, a secret. I couldn´t bring you in any danger. There are so many people out there,who want me dead or at least see me bleeding.

Yesterday I saw that I could protect you even more when my partners could keep you safe too. Now,go ahead judge your way. But I hope you have their backs as much you have mine."


End file.
